I Do

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Approximate time: December 2009


“Sorry,” I whispered.

Somehow this crazy, both crazy beautiful and crazy insane, girl had gotten me to follow her God knows where. We were standing outside the Georgia Dome in a mass of people who were all wearing red and black jerseys. She was waiting for something to happen. We had been standing in the same place for a few minutes as the crowd had surged around us. Any time someone looks at us suspiciously she bent over like she was looking for something on the ground. I noticed that she was only wearing one earring. Suddenly a glass door opened nearby where we were standing. She didn’t waste a second. As soon as the guard had left the doorway she had slipped past him and through into the building.

What? This is the second time that girl has left me standing on the street!

The door opened again, and I turned to bolt half expecting a guard to be holding her by the collar. “Where are you going?”

“To find your earring?” I asked jokingly.

She grabbed my wrist and pulled me through the door.

“Where are we?”

“The GWCC building.”

“G-W-what now?”

“Georgia World Congress Center. It doesn’t matter. There’s an escalator in here that will take us to ground level.”

“We’ll still need tickets to get in to the seating area.”

“Not where we’re going.”

“Well where are we going?!?”

She smiled. “You’ll see. Incidentally, do you like football?”

“Yeah, sort of.”

“You’ll like it from where we’ll be standing.”

I followed her in silence from then on. It was obvious I wasn’t going to be getting any answers. We slipped down another flight of escalators, which were turned off. The room we were in was huge and dark. The only illumination came from the emergency lights in the ceiling which were never turned off. In this darkness she leaned over and kissed me. I was so surprised that I didn’t even kiss her back. She didn’t seem to notice though as she skipped off down a dark hallway. Suddenly the deserted building had turned into a torrent of people swarming through this underground pass. I would later find out that we were in the tunnel that connects the Georgia Dome and the adjacent convention center. There were so many people swarming to and fro, most were too busy to notice a cute little couple slip through the entrance and onto the floor of the Atlanta Falcon’s field.

She turned to me and exclaimed, “You got me floor tickets to an Atlanta Falcons game for our first date? You must really be ready for a committed relationship huh?”

“I didn’t—” I realized what she was doing. Wow, she’s flirting with me. She wanted to go on a date so she took the initiative. She practically tricked me into going here. She is very sly. “Yeah, they weren’t cheap either.”

“You can bet you’ll be getting some tonight,” she added winking.

Wow, she takes herself on a date and she wants to reward me for it. Alright!

We watched the game… sort of. We watched the game in the same sense that a fourteen year old boy watches a movie when he’s sitting next to his girlfriend.[1]

Next thing you know the game was over and we were running through the streets of Atlanta, leaping in front of cars. We heard tires screech and the next second a siren went off. We ducked into an ally and shot up a stairwell into her apartment. We bolted the door behind us and striped of our clothes faster than if they were on fire. She grabbed me and threw me onto the bed, leaping after me.

That one girl did things that a pair of lesbian/bisexuals couldn’t begin to imagine. I was so blown away that I laid there completely used up for almost an hour. If a man walked into her apartment with a gun I would have been utterly useless in the state I was in. I was completely comatose; spent; exhausted; used up; down for the count; beat; worn out; basically poonin; vegetated; jellivated; straight up knocked out. If I hadn’t already checked to be sure I would have assumed her headboard had split in half and I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was a hole in the wall or the floor somewhere.

I woke up the next morning and again, this girl threw down like there wasn’t going to be another chance to fuck… EVER. While I was still subdued she got up and left the bedroom. Within a few minutes I could smell bacon cooking. My stomach growled.

Wow, I’m starving. A guy can only fuck so many times before he needs to recharge his fuel cells. I need to get up and get some food but my muscles are limp. I wonder how long until I get feeling back in my limbs… Is it possible to die from sex? Didn’t they use to call orgasms the ‘little death’ back in old England? I think I know why now. How long will it take for me to starve here? Was this her plan from the beginning? Seduce me, and lure me into her bed so that she can starve me to death and eat me. Wait, that’s stupid. Wouldn’t she want to fatten me up if she was going to eat me?

Autumn walked into the room carrying a plate of eggs and bacon.

HOLY SHIT! This BITCH is trying to eat me!

“I thought you would like some food. Do you like eggs?”

Okay… just play it cool. Eat the food and get out before it’s too late. “Yeah, I love eggs.”

“Great,” she said smiling.

“Eat up. You want to be in the clean plate club don’t you?”

If she wants me to fatten up she should be less obvious. I’m totally on to her ploy. I thought to myself as I started eating. “Mmm it’s really good.”

“I’m glad. Wow, you really scarfed that down. Do you want more?”

“Nonono that’s okay.”

“Alright…” she said taking my plate away. She left to return the plate to the kitchen.

Okay, there’s got to be a way out of here… Of course—the door! How could I be so stupid?

I stood up to walk out and realized I was butt naked. There’s not going to be another chance! GO! I shouted to myself. Before I could move an inch I was tackled.

“Where do you think you’re going? I won’t be your one night stand mister. You need to take care of mama before you can get out of this cage.”

In any other circumstance that would be so hot. But not when the woman who’s trying to eat you says it. I have to get—

“I love being with you so much.”

Did she just say… no she couldn’t have said… she wouldn’t have said… not… ‘love’.

“Oh sorry, is it too soon?”

“No, that’s not it. This is going to sound ridiculous—“

“Oh great, are you going to make up some excuse about why you can’t be with me now? Just go,” she said bringing tears to her eyes.

“Not an excuse. Just the reason for my surprise. You see, the sex was so good that I was left almost paralyzed. In my inability to move I assumed you were trying to… well you know.”


“Well… eat me.”

Her tears instantly evaporated into the biggest smile. She started laughing hysterically. Not your normal laugh, or even the laugh that hurts you abs. This was like the fucking hyena from the god damn lion king. That kind of laugh. It was the most embarrassed I think I’ve ever been. Considering all that I’ve been through one would think there would be other stuff higher on that list but, it’s pretty simple how to best hurt a man. Laugh at him while he’s naked. It doesn’t matter what you’re laughing at. In that moment of exposure, both physical and emotional, a man is at his weakest. It doesn’t take much to watch his self esteem drop down a few notches. This is in my opinion why guys need notches on a belt. For every mistake they make they get a few take off. If that’s true, this girl straight up took my belt.

I got up to leave. In between her fits of laughter she managed to squeeze out, “Come back.”

Where the hell did I leave my pants?

“No really, come back. I wasn’t laughing at you.”

Like hell you weren’t bitch.

“Really, I’m laughing at myself if anything. I was so certain you were just like all the other guys I slept with. If anything I’m glad you thought I was going to eat you. Come back to bed.”

Against my better judgment I listened and crawled back into bed.

Now here’s my five cents on blowjobs. They’re the most personal form of intimacy. Think about it. In intercourse you’re looking at the other persons face. You’re feeling them elsewhere and doing other… deeds but in the end you don’t have to think about what’s going on downstairs. When you straight up put your head in a girl’s kooch[1] it’s like saying I love you. Ya know? You have to get down and dirty and really see the ugly truth about sex. Girls, you know what I’m talking about too. Putting some guys dick in your mouth is like a serious violation of your personal space. I don’t care how much you like giving or getting head, it’s still an awkward situation, and there is no denying that. The reason I address this is because that girl went down on me so hard it felt like my dick was in a vacuum. Not in a bad way, it was definitely the best head I’ve ever gotten, but the passion that was in her was unreal. Needless to say, I was again left in a heap of pitifulness.

“Wow…” was the only thing I could manage to mumble quietly.

She smiled. She seemed content simply pleasing me. It didn’t faze her whether or not she had an orgasm. Not to say that I can’t give a girl an orgasm. Believe me; I make girls scream things they’ve never screamed before. It was more that she was so interested in how I felt that she didn’t care one way or the other. It was… sweet I guess. I got out of bed and put on my clothes while she laid in bed watching me.

“I have to go to work right now.”

“Will you come by later?”

“I don’t know. Probably not, I have to take care of some stuff at my apartment,” I responded as her dogs ran into the room and proceeded to sniff around and try to play with me.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, tonight’s not good. Maybe tomorrow,” I added as one of her dogs started to dry hump my leg. I pushed him off gently. You’ve been neutered already; stop trying to get your groove on with my leg. “See you later,” I walked out the door.

Work was pretty boring that day. We didn’t get much done because it was so cold out, and ended up calling our day a little early. I took the long way back to my apartment so that I could get a burger on my way back. On my way I started thinking about the night before.

Last night was… weird to say the least. Why the hell did I think she was going to eat me? Worse yet, why did I tell her. I think those drugs did more damage to me that I thought. Whatever, if she doesn’t care about what an idiot I am why should I care? I guess I’ll just see her again. She said she loved me. Well, not exactly but that’s what she meant. I know what a girl means when she says that sort of thing. I guess it’s kind of weird that she said it on our first real date but I’m okay with that. So what, she can be a little clingy if she wants. Who am I to judge? We all have our vices, some are just worse than others. If her attachment issues are the worst quality she has I’d say I made out pretty well. Plus that girl fucks like an angel… if angels can fuck that is. If not then she fucks like… well I don’t know, but she fucks.

By this point I had come to my doorway. I reached down to unlock the door but it was already open. I cautiously opened the door and walked inside. Looking around there wasn’t anything unusual about my living room/kitchen/guest room/study/pseudo-bathroom. I opened the door to my room and looked around. There wasn’t anything different in here either.

I have a baseball bat in the closet. I’ll grab that and look around again.

My apartment was really small. I mean it was two rooms big and you could probably leap from one wall to the other in either room. There wasn’t much else to look around for. So when I stepped through the door into my room I was caught completely by surprise when I was tackled.

What the… Who the fuck? I would have started throwing punches but I knew from experience that if they wanted to hurt me they would have just done it from the start, none of this grappling shit. I landed on the bed with my assailant on my back. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Taking care of you after a hard day of work,” Autumn said rolling me over.

Strangely I didn’t find anything odd about this. I didn’t ask how she got into my apartment, or why she broke in. I certainly wasn’t mad. None of these feelings even came to mind. It wasn’t me ignoring them, I just didn’t realize how violated I had been until much later. Instead, I turned the feelings I should have had into blinded passion as we made love for the second or third time that day. It was beautiful, literally: fucking beautiful. That moment was so special that I can still feel it. Not just the orgasm or the rhythmic sliding of our hips, I can remember exactly how I felt. Not that it’s something that you can easily explain; I just know that I still feel it.

Afterwards we just lay there. She lay on top of me as she ran her finger across my bare chest. “I want to do something spontaneous.”

“You just did, you broke into my house and fucked my brains out in ways that probably count as rape in several states. You’ve probably broken a dozen laws in the past twenty-four hours. And what, you want to do something spontaneous?”

“Let’s get married.”


“No really. Let’s go get married. If you can think of a good reason not to I’ll forget I ever said anything.”


“What chyea thinking about?”


“So, how was your day?”


“Mine was pretty boring. I just sat around the house most of the day wondering if you were going to come over. Eventually I walked over here and asked your landlord to let me in. He was—”

“Alright! Let’s do it. Let’s drive up to Philadelphia and get married. I want my parents and family to be there. We should totally go get hitched!”

[1] Kooch: cooch; pussy; vajayjay; vagina

[1] …next to his girlfriend: we made out the whole time